I can text with my tongue
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
