I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize