People in love make me want to vomit
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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