She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize