The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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