my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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