I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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