Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
