Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize