Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
