This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm passing your future prison.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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