Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
