he was CRYING into my vagina
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
