Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
