well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
