but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
