bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize