the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Randomize
