he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
