he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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