I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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