im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
