I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
