I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize