Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
