Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
