Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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