I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hippo gnu deer
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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