I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Randomize
