I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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