A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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