I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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