I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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