I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Everclear isn't food dammit
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
