oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
