Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
