grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
