The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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