I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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