i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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