How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
