Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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