i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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