the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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