every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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