Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
