Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize