it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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