if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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