I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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