I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
