Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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