He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
