I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
