Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize