i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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