I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize