Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
