Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
