literally had 100 drinks last night.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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