I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize