Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
